What do women want? Such a simple question. But one that has been known to move grown men to tears. Tears of frustration, tears of rage, tears of utter and complete despair.

And, quite understandably, it's a question that gets a lot of negative press this time of year as millions of usually self-assured men begin to stress about the big day. V-Day. A day on which even the best of men seem to come up short. A day on which a previously confident woman turns either tearful, as in, "He doesn't love me." (Sob). Or stoic, as in, "Oh, it's OK, it's just another day." (Sob).

Honestly, we women are not trying to make men's lives miserable. But hey, it's a tough day for us, too, guys.

Yes, we know in our hearts that Valentine's Day was really created by some evil executive at Hallmark. Whether the motive was to rake in the big bucks or simply to cause widespread pain and anguish, we're not sure. Either way, we know that it really is just another day. We know that we shouldn't let ourselves be fooled by all those mass-marketed lies. We (usually) know that you love us. But, come V-Day, none of that matters.

We're human. I think it's the advertising that gets to us.

On February 1st we're on your side, mocking the sappy, sentimental garbage that's trying to pass itself off as an indicator of true love. By the 13th, however, we've bought the slogans--lock, stock and barrel. It's all true, if you really loved us, of course you would do something sweet, heartfelt, loving and kind. Duh. And if you really, really loved us, it would be something creative enough to earn some "Oh, you are so lucky!" points when we share it with our friends.

Please take note, I did not use the word expensive in the previous paragraph. Contrary to popular belief, it's not about how much money you spend. What we really want is for you to do something. Something thoughtful. As in "full of thought." As in, you actually thought up an idea, a present, an activity that we would enjoy. And then you thought up a way to present it in a surprising way. That's a lot of thought, I know. But I swear to you, it's a learned thing. It'll get easier.

(Just so we're on the same wavelength here, a trip to the grocery store or the 7-Eleven to pick up a dehydrated rose and a box of waxy chocolates does not constitute thought, given that every other man in the country is doing the exact same thing.

Herd mentality is not indicative of independent thought. So unless you have a true saint for a wife or girlfriend, you can be fairly sure that her smile of gratitude for such a thoughtless gift is totally faked.)

So, where does that leave you? The fateful day is drawing near. That nervous tic in your left eye becomes more pronounced. Your wife sighs at the mere sight of a red heart.

What's an honest and caring yet shaking-in-his-boots lover supposed to do?

Relax. It's really not as difficult as you think. We're not vicious harridans, eager to pounce on your every mistake. Honestly. We just want to know that you care. So let go of your preconceptions and have a little fun.

Have the money? Go ahead, be extravagant. Buy her a ring, a car, a day at a spa. Not that much money? Find something that she's been putting off buying: lingerie, the newest book by her favorite author, concert tickets. No money at all? An hour-long back rub, a clean house, a fully prepared (by you) romantic dinner at home. Really think about your lover, her likes and dislikes, what she enjoys doing. Create something as unique as she is and you're halfway there.

Halfway, you ask? Don't panic, the hardest part is done. You have a thoughtful present and you have it in your hands at least one day before the big day. (Trust me on this one and get it all done before the big day. Last-minute preparation is extremely tacky.)

There are only two more considerations. Both easy enough, but crucial to the success of your mission.

First, think presentation. The new car should have a gaudy red bow on top. The book should be wrapped, by you. The back rub should be in the form of a hand-lettered coupon.

Don't be afraid, for this big day, corny is OK. As a matter of fact, corny is actually preferable. And True Corny, from a lover or husband who's trying hard, is infinitely endearing.

Second, surprise is key. Women love surprises. It makes us happy to find a handmade card taped to our windshield in the morning. We're pleased when we find a pretty package sitting next to our coffee mug in the morning. We're positively ecstatic when we discover a diamond ring in our cereal box. But for heaven's sake, do it early. First thing in the morning is best. Do not wait till bedtime, even if it is sleepwear. Face it, we're probably still a little touchy about what you did (or didn't do) last V-Day. So, waiting for a surprise that we're not sure is coming is likely to make us very grouchy.

And in the end, it's that simple. What do women want? We don't want to be grouchy.

We want to be pleased and happy and even ecstatic. And yes, even though we're grown-ups and in charge of our own happiness, you can help. Knowing that you care makes us happy. Knowing that you care and are willing to prove it, even if it is just a stupid holiday and we ought to know better than to fall for that manipulative nonsense, makes us even happier. Help us. Help us be happier. In the end, you'll be happier too, I promise.